Red’s Soul Thinking … (a story)
In the car mirror I skillfully spread mascara on my lashes avoiding smudging it on my swollen eyelids. I put my pink tinted glasses back on and focused my mind on the present, thanking the universe that our PR superstar Ariel Hyatt happened to teach me an anti-mind spin technique that she had just learned.
APPLE …. DOG … SAIL BOAT … PIANO …
Hours of driving across the pleasant countryside of northern France, I distracted myself. I asked Pascal not to tell anyone until after our concert or I wouldn’t get through it. I pulled up my gentle vocal warmup The Cole Vocal Method Cool Down series and gently tested my voice. Yep, like I expected, the cat fight scratchy sound caused by my bodies reaction to the shocking news the night before.
CAT … FIRE HYDRANT … COUCH … BANANA …
We picked up our bassist Jean-Marc Despeignes at the Amiens train station and I redirected any talk about my family. Pascal took the lead, as he does so well, and it was a pleasant distraction to hear normal conversation about music. Passing Lille, we arrived at La Boite a Musique in Wattrelos, France. Three sweet cool cats welcomed us to the venue and the generous spread of yummies in the greenroom. I was extremely grateful for the kindness of strangers and a super chill and cool space for the night.
BOOK … TABLE … CLOUD … PINEAPPLE…
Soundcheck was a breeze. The stage sound so comfortable and playing with our Paris Combo was a beautiful balm for my soul. I allowed myself to feel the strange feeling of joy surrounding my heart. I had nothing to worry about and felt surprisingly relaxed and excited for the show.
TRAIN … GUITAR … SUN … GRAPE …
I didn’t give in to the free alcohol or sweet cookies, but I did indulge in the yummy purple grapes. They took us to a pizzeria where I didn’t give in to the pasta or pizza choices, either. I scarfed down an Italian charcuterie like I hadn’t eaten in months. I wasn’t really hungry.
SKUNK … LANTERN … TREE … DONUT …
I changed my clothes in the bathroom, delicately dangling my suit over the hand dryer and door knob. I rolled up the pant legs and stepped into them keeping them off the piss dribbled floor.
HAMSTER … CHEESE … DRUMS … PICNIC BASKET …
My dear friend and spiritual guide, Iana Lahi, texted me with a message. “He’s with you, bring the audience in on it, it will deepen their experience of the music.” I thought to myself there is absolutely no way I can do that and sing.
CANDLE … PILLOW … OCTOPUS … LIGHT …
The lights go out and we hustle onstage. I turn on my amp, go to plug in my guitar, oops. Turn off the amp, plug in my guitar, turn on the amp, turn on my DI, place my phone in its holder and we rip into Big Boy Boogie. A warm joy filled my heart right next to the most devastating grief. He was with me, a beautiful iridescent soul dancing around in the stage lights. I sang and played with him, and for him. I was cracking the audience up with my French and not even understanding the jokes I must have been telling. My voice was ok, the cat fight scratch faded away. Not the best condition, but it met me where I needed to go and didn’t let me down. After an hour and a half, we played Same Old Blues. I let down my guard and let it all in. Pascal played beautifully and the audience showed their appreciation.
We had one more song, I knew it was the moment. I mustered up my courage and with tears streaming down my cheeks, I told them in French, “Last night I lost my Dad, but I know he wanted me to be here with you. I feel his warm joy with us. Thank you for your listening.” I heard a voice cry out, “Non, merci a vous !” They all applauded their appreciation, love and understanding.
In an awkward transition I picked up Memphis and squeezed his clucking into the microphone saying, “My Dad loves Memphis.” We did the Rooster Boogie & Looking Good and they stood up.
I carefully followed the band off the stage. Pascal Mucci & Jean-Marc were in shock and gave me huge hugs. (Which isn’t a normal French gesture.) They had spent time with him in the fall while recording our new album. The audience was still applauding for more, so we got back on the stage and finished the night with Whiskey Sip of Time.
The audience met me at the merch table with glassy eyes and condolences. As I signed CDs and the buzz wore off, reality slowly drained into me. I did it. I made it through my biggest fear and I’m still breathing. I always wondered if I could live one day longer than the man who brought me into existence, nurtured and supported me to be who I am today.
We remain soul friends. I see him in my heart with my soul child swimming in iridescent light or floating on colorful lily pads. We’ve always met in consciousness with very little need for words. We shared philosophy, the universal conversation and the magic between the worlds of eternal beauty and truth and consequence.
As a little girl, I remember him sitting on the carpet in front of the fireplace with his work stacked on the long hearth. He had an old radio playing classical music. I was rolling in the sun on the floor distracting him I’m sure. He asked me what I saw in the music. I laid back and my mind went wild creating a world inside the music. He unknowingly led me into my rich creative journey in the arts that he loved so much.
NUTS ... RED WINE ... NCIS ... MYSTERIES
I love you Bubble, Buddha, Dad! I’ll keep breathing deep and taking you on adventures until we meet again soul child to soul child.
PS ...
For the flow of the story I left out, that my brother had to tell me over the phone, and he did with such soft strength. I love you Michael. Pascal, who knows well what I’m going through, holds me as I cry and continues to make me laugh. He lost his father when he was 18 and my Dad had become his Dad. My dear Mom is allowing herself to grieve surrounded by her whole family. Hold her tight in your thoughts and prayers. Our family is grieving together with open hearts allowing our emotions to flow where they need to flow. My Dad’s presence around us is full of love, laughter and joy. I will continue to share his soul with you.
LOVE … LIGHT … MAGIC … LAUGHTER
Lil’ Red
while the Rooster plays in the background.
